Every year, during the christmas holidays, people tend to think back through all things they did the whole year that's gone past and come to a conclusion about their whole "performance". Right! Normal people don't do that! I do though...
It's this time of the year when it suddenly hits me and the past year goes by my eyes in a flash, like a replay on fast forward. Well, mostly the important parts, the highlights if you may. And for another year I'm not quite satisfied. There are parts in my life that feel empty. The thing is that, unfortunately, I can do very little to fill these voids. As in it's not up to me to do so. Yeah, health matters the most. Without it you're screwed. What about mental health, though? What about that very fragile equilibrium, between the body and the mind? To me it's as important as being healthy. It's what keeps me sane. What makes me sleep at night.
I work hard in (almost) every aspect of my life. At least I try to. Work, friendships, family, relationships, myself. I give everything I have towards them. It's not that I have to, or that's a mandatory thing for me to do. I guess I'm wired (and not weird ) that way. I care. I want people that surround me on a daily basis to be well, if it's in my hand. Sometimes, some of the aspects reserve most of my attention and focus, but overall I try to keep a balance. So far the only thing that falls behind, more than others most of the time, is taking care of myself. Some might say that it's a mistake, but most of the times it doesn't bother me.
The common denominator in every of every of those aforementioned voids is people. And their ability to be a constant source of disappointment. Their ability to piss away all the effort anyone puts on them. Either while trying to help them, or trying to support them, when they need it the most. Their ability to break your trust. Their ability to hurt you, without even blinking. Their ability to mock things and qualities that, to you, are important. Their ability to do all of the above on purpose, or even accidentally.
Human relations are not a bargain. They aren't a sale. There's no currency in what you give in a friendship, or a relationship. You give with the expectation, or hope, of getting something in return. And i'm not talking about materials. I'm talking about feelings, gestures, expressions of interest. You expect to get something back. How much is that something, depends on how generous the person in the opposite side is. How mature, or aware or kind that person is. Something is way more than nothing. But when you give a lot, your expectations rise. That something has to be increasing, not in a matter of quantity though. Intensity is the word that I'm looking for. Why not quality? Because quality, is something subjective. And subjectivity does not cope well with clarity. Each one of us has different standards, which makes it impossible to establish a definition of quality.
They say patience is a virtue. All I have to do is to be patient. She said it's not easy for her to be like me. I don't want her to be like me. All I need is a little more intensity. And a bit more tact when my soul is wide open... I shouldn't be that mad at that other one. She might have broken my trust by pimping me out to that third one, when I specifically asked her not to do so. Trusting her like that was probably a mistake, but I could prevented it by growing some nerve and going for that third one... I should be more patient with the work part. It'll pay off eventually. I should be more patient with life overall. Rome wasn't built in a day.
I'm not mother Teresa, nor Gandhi. I'm not after world peace, or saving the planet. I'm just a good person, that cares probably a lil too much about the things and the people around me. My friends tell me that I shouldn't care that much about others. And most of the times they might be right. But hey, I am not perfect. I would say quite the contrary. I've done all the things that I mentioned earlier, but I've regretted every single one of them. And that changed me. Lately I felt that the kindness inside me is draining.That I don't have anything more to give. Especially to certain people. And that saddens me, because I see potential. Potential for many good things. I hope the holidays help me fill up...
I am not sure if it's just an infatuation, but I think I'm in love with her...
It's been a while since I posted here. Life is keeping me busy, and since I didn't have much time to read my subscriptions I figured it was proper to stop logging in. Despite my full schedule, I couldn't find any content, interesting enough for a post. It was probably due to the excessive stress that rules my life the past year. That stress surely did help in many aspects of my life. The downside was that it exhausted me. Mentally, mostly. I found myself losing my temper over (mostly) stupid things. Many times and quite easily I might add. Situations and people just made it impossible for me to hold my temper locked in a tiny box, far away in my brain. Well some of them deserved it, some didn't. Thing is that even those situations helped. Now I know which people I can trust and which people I must hold into arm's length. I worked a lot in the lab, but not enough. Temptation was around me constantly. And most of the times I fell for it. At least it's not too late. I will bounce back and catch up until Xmas. Socially, life's good. I met good people, seemingly good people and people I probably wont bother to get to know. I need to work on my judging of characters. I had two people that I misjudged. One that came out to be a great person, and one that proved to be totally untrustworthy. It's sad, how full grown people can be such gossips. It's even sadder how delusional some people can be. It's not all shits and giggles! Having fun all the time is not an option when you're broke and you have no job! Anyway, I should not judge, I don't know any better. Lately, I find myself quite troubled in the idea of my future. I can't decide on either continuing for a PhD or searching for a job after the masters degree. I don't know which is better. It's a whole other post this one... Anyways, I should enjoy the little vacation I have going on, clear my mind, get that much needed sleep and have a decent time while at it...
Honestly, I have no idea why i opened this window. I don't have anything on my mind right now worthy to write down. I might as well do a diary-like entry. Life's pretty good at the moment. Lots of work in the lab lately, which equals a lot of stress. Lots of fun with friends. Something interesting down the line.
I do have things to rant about, but over the past four months i find it pointless to rant. So far I block out all the shit that bother me. And that's because I always leave my place looking forward to something good. Almost always I go somewhere better. And that makes ranting unnecessary. Boring days are held to minimum rates and after a long time I feel good about my life. I finally got a second tattoo on January (i got a pic of it on my xanga pics, not that good a pic).
I should be more friendly to my "housemate", but really it's not very easy finding common ground with a 60 year old person. I can always try though, right? That's it for now, I guess.. Take care all
Three weeks ago I was sick with medium fever, a runny nose and a mild cough. I took some generic flu meds and 3 days later everything went away, except for the cough. That cough continued busting my balls for the two following weeks. I will admit that having a ball busting cough and smoking on top of that didn't help at all on getting myself better. But that's what we smokers do, so shut up.
Flash forward to last Tuesday. I wake up at 7 am shivering. I take my temperature. 38C (100.4 F). I had a shitload of work in the lab, so i figured i would take some paracetamol for the fever to drop and go to work. And it worked. I went to the lab a bit dizzy, but after the drug kicked in I was okay. I worked for a couple of hours but everyone told me to go home and rest, eliminating any chances of transferring my illness to anyone there. Even the professor insisted. So I left and went home. My god father called his friend who's a doctor and late in the afternoon I went to his office to get examined. The dude asked for a chest Xray but i wasn't willing to pay 50 bucks to get it (when i can get it for free in a hospital after a doctor orders it). Anyway, i didn't get it for him. Long story short, his examination showed nothing, so he told me to be careful and to eat well and shit like that.
I go home, go to bed and around 6 am i wake up in tremor. I take my temp. 39,5C (103.1 F). I take a pill and go back to bed. I wake up six hours later. Same feeling, same temp. And i decide to go to the hospital. And while i'm burning up, I forgot to take a pill and I take the bus to go to the ER. It's around 1 pm when i get in line in the waiting room. After a while I'm shivering like Michael J. Fox. One hour later my turn comes and a nurse comes and tells me to go wait in an examination room and wait there until a doctor comes to examine me. I'm in there waiting for like an hour. A nurse comes in and takes my temp and blood pressure. I'm not sure if it was a hallucination from the fever or not, but the nurse was really HOT. And not to exaggerate, she was really friendly, with giggles and whatnot.
Anyway, after the doctor came to examine me, and a cardiograph, a blood sample, a urine sample, iv meds for the fever and a chest Xray later, i'm back in the waiting room, waiting for the test results and the diagnosis from the doctor. At that minute I was in there for 8 hours. After a while doc came out with the results. Diagnosis: pneumonia. But just because there's a swine flu outbreak, and it has very similar symptoms as pneumonia, i get to take meds for that too. On top of that i stay quarantined at home for a week. Fuck my life! After four days locked in at home and with the shit that have happened, I should have been admitted in the hospital and get treatment by the hot nurse.
But nooooooo. The story doesn't end there. Next day comes, i'm burning up half of the day and the god father has a fever too! Fuck my life times square. It turns out that the cool godfather turns into a total pussy when he's ill. Bitching and moaning all the time while having 38,somethingC fever. Dude, my brain was frying and i took the bus to hospital. Shut the fuck up. Eat your soup, get your meds and crawl to your bed and SHUT UP. I'm having even higher fever than him and I still get to take care of him as well. I get a massive headache as a side effect from the antibiotics and he has the nerve to start telling me off (exact quote "My fever is 38,2C. If you care to know") cos I don't ask him how he is. Fuck my life times a million.
This year was not the most exciting year of the 26 that i've lived through. I would rank it in the most boring/bad ones. So here goes. Random things that happened to me throughout 2010 in bullet form. I'll just dump them there with no particular order.
After 6 years of studying I finally got my degree in Material Science and Technology. Technically I finished in September 2009, but after taking my professors' advice (that were proven unneeded afterward) I retook some courses in January to improve my point average.
I was looking for a job on my field, so that I would try to be a little independent and stop living on my parents money. Instead, I got this boring job as a guard in a museum, which ironically paid way more than a job on my field.
I refused to file my papers for a masters degree in Patra in February, with the excuse that my first choice was Athens. So little I knew...
On March, I started blogging again here, after quite a while. It kinda faded out lately.
My love life (My what now?) was beyond disappointing. Like Ray William Johnson says: "FAYUL"
Having an incompetent accountant at my job, i got my first paycheck on late September (I started working on May). That resulted me NOT going on vacation in the summer which adds up to 6 years without summer vacation. Vacation fairy is on my black list now. I hope her vibrator gives her an STD.
Started twitting. Not as exciting as blogging but better than pulsing.
Got my driver's license on July. At the age of 26. Yeah i know. FAYUL XD
I had one of my wisdom teeth taken out in August. This procedure started a chain reaction that kept me sick for almost one month.
On the 29th of December I got a paycheck equal to 6 months of work. Yeah, a big sum of cash is good, but being broke for 7 months was NOT cool.
Lost both my grandfathers within a week. They were both very sick, but a loss is a loss and it still feels sad, not having them around.
Applied for a masters degree in Industrial Pharmaceutics in Athens and Patra on September. I got accepted in both. Initially Athens was my first choice, but after considering my options i chose Patra. After two months there, I know my choice was the right one.
Loneliness hit me hard this year. Returning home to live with the parents after 8 years of living alone was as i thought it would be. Boring as shit and borderline depressing. My friends either moving to other cities or working their asses off didn't help as well.
Read 3 Palahniuk books and got hooked with the dude. He's a freak but his writing is really good.
Watched 3 seasons of Breaking Bad in about 10 days. Seriously, one of the best tv shows of the decade.
Made a fresh start while I started the MSc. New city, new people, new life. So far things are going really well.
That's it I guess. The most important moments of 2010. I hope 2011 will be more eventful and healthy.